Life on the Edge of a Broken Heart
Thursday, April 08, 2004
all i do is miss her and the way we used to be. all i do is keep the beat... and bad company -dire straits
Wow, tough week--I'm almost through it though. Haven't talked to her all week. I'm making plans to do the charity bike ride we used to do each year together.. but this time I'm making plans to do it alone. I keep wondering how she's doing... and inevitably that leads me to wonder how the hell I'm doing.
I don't know if anyone knows the answer to that. I'm sitting here, typing on my laptop, drinking a paulaner and watching family guy. I'm wishing there was something more to do. I just worked a 13 hour day and I'm beat. I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home.
Now I'm home and the house is so fucking quiet. The dog wants to know where I've been, but no one else even noticed I was gone. My roommate is out somewhere... probably just as well. I mostly don't feel like being anywhere, but even more so, I don't feel like seeing anyone.
Wonder what happens next?
I've got to get out for a couple of days. Guess I'll head out of town tomorrow and visit my brother... maybe play some golf and watch his girls hunt for easter eggs on Sunday and wish I had my own kids. Or at least wish I had someone to dream about kids with again.
How long does it take to let go of a dream anyway?
Time seems inconsequential to me. I can't believe a week just passed. I can't believe six years just passed since we met. I still think of myself as 23, not 31. I still think I'll figure it all out. Its Thursday again, just like last week. Its Thursday again and I'm not any closer to anything but myself.
It's like tomorrow is almost here, and I'm still not ready for today.
all i do is miss her and the way we used to be. all i do is keep the beat... and bad company -dire straits
Wow, tough week--I'm almost through it though. Haven't talked to her all week. I'm making plans to do the charity bike ride we used to do each year together.. but this time I'm making plans to do it alone. I keep wondering how she's doing... and inevitably that leads me to wonder how the hell I'm doing.
I don't know if anyone knows the answer to that. I'm sitting here, typing on my laptop, drinking a paulaner and watching family guy. I'm wishing there was something more to do. I just worked a 13 hour day and I'm beat. I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home.
Now I'm home and the house is so fucking quiet. The dog wants to know where I've been, but no one else even noticed I was gone. My roommate is out somewhere... probably just as well. I mostly don't feel like being anywhere, but even more so, I don't feel like seeing anyone.
Wonder what happens next?
I've got to get out for a couple of days. Guess I'll head out of town tomorrow and visit my brother... maybe play some golf and watch his girls hunt for easter eggs on Sunday and wish I had my own kids. Or at least wish I had someone to dream about kids with again.
How long does it take to let go of a dream anyway?
Time seems inconsequential to me. I can't believe a week just passed. I can't believe six years just passed since we met. I still think of myself as 23, not 31. I still think I'll figure it all out. Its Thursday again, just like last week. Its Thursday again and I'm not any closer to anything but myself.
It's like tomorrow is almost here, and I'm still not ready for today.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
Yeah. I think I know what I'm in for. I guess we'll see. I feel like that guy in Trainspotting who is gettin prepared to kick heroin. He gets his buckets, extra sheets, towels, and bears down to work his way through it.
I've got my dog. I've stocked up on good beer. I'm collecting my support team. I've got my on-line poker account and a new pair of running shoes. I've got extra paper towels aand some frozen pizzas in the fridge. Baseball season starts this week, so I'll have something to do. I've even got myself the surly roommate who's been through a divorce before. Now, all I've got to do is get a grip.
The thing is, I think I am going to end up divorced, too. The team of therapists isn't helping, being separated hasn't helped. No matter what we do, we can't seem to bridge the sex gap. She's got a history of abuse, i've got a history of control, and between the two we haven't been intimate in a year. What kind of marriage is that, anyway? It wasn't always sexless, but this girl is my best friend, and somehow it just came to that.
She came over last weekend from her apartment over near campus and woke me up. I was trying to sleep off my bender, no luck. She asked me to go for a walk with her. I was confused since I just got up, so I didn't see it coming. We walked down to the park and watched some kids play baseball while she told me she didn't think we'd be able to work it out. She told me she thought divorce was the best answer. I didn't say much. I kept looking at her and thinking to myself that I am crazy about this girl. I love her with all that I am... and I wonder if its ever been enough?
I can lament all day about how it feels to love someone when they don't return the feeling the same way. The interesting thing is, everyone knows what that feels like. I guess I never have. I've been carefully trained my whole life that the only person who can let you down is a male. I've concentrated so hard on making sure that I am not the male who does that, that I never thought a woman would do it to me. It never even occurred to me.
After she shared her wish for a divorce with our therapist, we left our last session with an agreement to be totally separated... rather than the separated but dating arrangement we've been living in since January. We're not going to see each other or talk for a month while we both test out what being divorced feels like. When I write it out like that it seems like a joke-- why not just divorce now and get on with your life? I guess I know that it will take a fuck of a lot more strength for me to go through the divorce and dismantling of our household... and I need time to get used to the idea.
So that's where things are. Want to see how ugly it can get? Come along for the ride...
